The List...

Men are simple creatures.

We like steak and Doritos and tools.

We don't like satin sheets or hairspray. We despise area rugs and/or tapestries and we absolutely loathe speed walking.

We also like Football. We like to watch it uninterrupted on Sundays.

And then this happens...

Sunday afternoon 4:13pm. Two minutes before kickoff. Chargers VS Jaguars.

Out-Numbered - All I ask is that you keep them upstairs until halftime.

Wife - Fine. But I haven't had a moment to myself this whole weekend you know.

Out-Numbered - I know. I love you.

Wife - Whatever.

Out-Numbered - Hey.

Wife - Yes?

Out-Numbered - Can you bring me some snacks?

Wife - Go fuck yourself.

Out-Numbered - Thanks Hon.

She walks up the stairs.

3 Year Old - Daddy?

Out-Numbered - Fuck me! Yes baby?

3 Year Old - Can you play supermarket with me?

Out-Numbered - I'm sorry baby. Not right now.

3 Year Old - Why?

Out-Numbered - Because Daddy is watching football.

3 Year Old - Can't you pause it?

Out-Numbered - No baby. I'm very tired and I need to rest.

3 Year Old - You can rest later.

Out-Numbered - No baby. Daddy's back hurts. He needs to lay down.

3 Year Old - Well, then we can play Doctor and I'll fix your back.

She creeps down the stairs slowly.

Out-Numbered - Not now sweetheart. Maybe later.

3 Year Old - Please Daddy.

Out-Numbered - Baby, I said not now.

She starts to tear up. Biting of the bottom lip ensues.

Out-Numbered - OK. I'll pause it but only for 10 minutes.

3 Year Old - Daddy. That's too short.

Out-Numbered - I said 10 minutes. Beggars can't be choosers.

3 Year Old - How about 5 minutes?

Out-Numbered - Uh, OK. 5 minutes.


3 Year Old - Thank you Daddy.

Out-Numbered - Sure. Now where are we going shopping?

3 Year Old - Today we're going to Trader Joe's.

Out-Numbered - Great. What do we need?

3 Year Old - We need a lot of food.

Out-Numbered - OK. Shall I make a list?

3 Year Old - Yes please.

I go to grab a pen and some paper.

Out-Numbered - OK. I'm ready. What do we need?

3 Year Old - A necklace.

Out-Numbered - OK. I didn't know they have necklaces at Trader Joe's. What else?

3 Year Old - Food.

Out-Numbered - Food? That's pretty vague. What else?

3 Year Old - Cups.

Out-Numbered - Cups. Got it.

3 Year Old - Spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles, another spoon.

Out-Numbered - Hang on. Slow down. Another Spoon...

3 Year Old - A fish, a cone, pickles, french fries, tomatoes, sushi, wine, french fries.

Out-Numbered - You already said french fries.

3 Year Old - Daddy. Please.

Out-Numbered - OK.

3 Year Old - Sushi.

Out-Numbered - So you want two sushi , uh sushies?

3 Year Old - Yes.

Out-Numbered - Got it.

3 Year Old - A pan, a cupcake holder, cupcakes, chicken, eggs which we already have.

Out-Numbered - If we already have them, then why do we need them?

3 Year Old - DADDY! PLEASE!

Out-Numbered - Jeez. Don't yell at me.

3 Year Old - A bowl, tops, a cookie, a shell, ducks, dogs, lambs, a head...

Out-Numbered - A head?

3 Year Old - Yes.

Out-Numbered - I'm pretty sure they won't have a head.

3 Year Old - YES THEY WILL.

Out-Numbered - I don't think so.


Out-Numbered - You have two minutes left.

3 Year Old - A mermaid, another head, a xylophone, a big ball, a car and wipes.

Out-Numbered - Is that it?

3 Year Old - Um... Yes.

Out-Numbered - Can I go watch football now?

3 Year Old - No. You have to read back the list.


Wife - NOPE.

Out-Numbered - Necklace, food, cups, spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles...


  1. dude, you may act like you aint 'da man, but you are made of AWESOMENESS.

  2. You realize you lost precious time by asking questions, right? Just something to remember for next time. And, dude, don't piss off your wife or next time she'll send both of 'em down

  3. Ah, the age old dilemma.... Sunday football versus imaginary supermarket... I think the founding fathers wrestled with that very thing.

  4. LOL. My kids love to talk during football also. I like Alabama and the Titans and we live in Delaware so when either of my teams are on TV I must watch them. Were you able to get a car and a head from Trader Joes? BWAHHHHH. Also, sounds like you might have pissed the wife off. Hope that is all good now!

  5. First, I love your wife.

    Secondly, my children know that I will break out the duct tape to ensure silence during any televised sporting activity I choose to watch.

    Third, you need to teach those kids how to enjoy watching sports with you. Heck, I've trained Jumby to yell Go! Go! Go! at the screen when hockey season is on. If I can do it, so can you.

  6. You should have played could have scored an imaginary prescription for narcotics for your back pain :-)

  7. See, prep is everything - My hubby takes the kids to the park on Sat and runs 'em ragged - they sleep better Sat, I get some time along, and by Sun not only do I have no desire to inflict the kids on him, I make the snacks Sun am,lol!
    ANYTHING for a few hours to myself on a Sat!

  8. Ha. That right there; that's parenthood in its purest form.

    I have to go now and pretend to like playing Bakugan. With giant sticks. (My husband is busy with fantasy football.)

  9. wow, how about instead of being upset by missing a game that you could record and watch after your kids go to bed, you instead enjoy spending moments with your children. 10 years from now your daughter won't want to spend time with you like this and you're wasting the moments that you have because of football! AND, after your wife said she needed some time to herself, you ask her to go get you food? wow. I'm so glad my husband is a PARTNER and cherishes family time, instead of making it out to be a chore, or worse yet, treating his time with the kids like babysitting.

  10. I hope you were nice enough to give your wife a break later on. There's nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself, but you were a bit of an ass about it.

  11. Hope that's a tongue in cheek entry about how not to be a husband and dad.

  12. You're a real asshole. Spend time with your kids. Be nice to your wife. Make your own damn snacks.

  13. Great post as always. Hey anonymous posters -- you sound pathetic. Sign your name, stop crying, and could you watch my kids while you're at it?? I've got some sports to watch.

  14. *sigh*

    Dear Anonymous:

    Here's a list for you:

    1. Don't be a dick. Own your words or STFU.

    2. You don't know how much time he spends with his kids. Don't be a dick. (Wait, I already said that..oh well. Worth repeating. DON'T BE A DICK.

    3. I have this sort of playful banter with MY husband all of the time and I'm pretty sure our marriage is better as a result.

    4. There is nothing wrong with a parent wanting to enjoy an activity once in awhile. Kids also have to learn that they can't have your undivided attention the very second they want it. If they think that is your job to entertain them every minute, they grow up to be dicks. Oh already know that don't you?



    P.S. This is me, owning my words and putting MY NAME TO THEM. See how easy that was?

  15. I don't think you're an asshole or a bad dad. I love runs deep in my house. My daughter at the age of 5 said, "mom, you're sarcasing me, aren't you." It's possible to love deeply and still be a least in my house.

  16. I totally get you. I think I'm married to you (not really you, just someone like you).

    The trolls are out! It's nice of them to remain anonymous, isn't it? I mean, come on ladies, if you're going to bash someone, at least put your damn name on it.

    Also, this conversation happens in my house all football season. I have a great husband, this doesn't make him bad, just a man.

  17. With so many options for identification, it's a shame someone has to be an asshole through "Anonymous". Come on, pussies, if you really think he's a bad dad, then maybe you should identify yourself so we can all see how awesome of parents you are.

    Eitherway - I think you're 5 minutes was generous I would have given 3... and those 3 minutes would have been the 6 commercials that played between plays.

  18. Wow. I thought Anonymous was a unique name when I gave it to my daughter. Silly me. There are probably 4 or 5 other Anonymous's in her class. That's ok. She can be Anonymous O.


  19. Now that you mention it Jen O., I was considering going with Anonymous for our baby due in January but now I'm for sure going with our second choice. Good call Jen, good call.

  20. I want nothing to do with my son during football games, unless he wants to watch TV with me. Silently.

    And Anonymous, I must be an even worse father because I don't just ignore my kids during football, I leave the fucking house. For hours on end, I sit with friends and stuff myself with salted meat products and yell at grown men on TV as the repeatedly bang into each other play after play. And you know what? It's awesome and I'd be miserable without it.

    And really, if the choice is football or supermarket is there really even a question? I guess if you actually had to hunt down and procure a human head there would be a higher level of interest in supermarket, but until the human hunt takes place that game sucks.

    I work all week and take care of my kid all week. I want three goddamn hours of peace while I watch the Patriots. And I certainly don't feel bad about it.

  21. Since you brought it up, you definitely need to get the girls on the Charger bandwagon NOW. Jerseys, pom poms, the works. Otherwise, when they're in their early teens, they're liable to become Raider fans when you're not looking.

    I'm speaking from experience. My son became a Red Sox fan. I blame myself.

  22. Damn. My 3 year old never asks for a head, let alone "another head". You are truly blessed.

  23. Those were your cousins. And if my kid ever interrupted me during a Husker game...

  24. Well did they have the Head at trader joes or not?

  25. ‎"A mermaid, another head, a xylophone, a big ball, a car and wipes."

    Brilliant! ...another head. 3 year olds rock!

  26. That had me LOLing at the train station!

  27. Dude, why are you teaching R about head??? Don't send her to sleepaway camp! PS, you def need to get them into football NOW! We play the who's hot and who's not here! PPS anonymous, you're an asshole.

  28. Ahhh the good ol' anonymous posters are out in force today I see. What a bunch of douchecanoes. That sounds like a weekly conversation between me and The Man, except it's ME begging to be left alone to watch some rugby.

    Your daughter will have plenty of time to spend with you when the figure skating is on.

  29. I think everything has been said. Anonymous=dick or douchebag.
    Sarcasm noted and appreciated.
    Men like football and like to watch it at home in silence or with friends and food and being loud.
    Was your wife ever really pissed and did she get over it? Was sending down the 3-year-old her revenge?

  30. You had in me in tears at your wife's 'Go Fu*k yourself' (probably not more than you but still...) This was a prized post and it's feels just like home...only funnier (-:

  31. this is really how it goes on a sunday during football season. i love when the "anonymous" bashes you! it always makes for fun comments!
    as for the 3 year old, when i do take her to trader joes we find the heads in the frozen food section.


  32. Can't you block your wife's url from commenting on your blog? ;) Kidding.

    Fucking trolls under our blogging bridges totally piss me off, but whatever- someone's gotta suck douche, I guess.

    I love this post. I love your book.

    At our house, it's Saturdays with the football because Bob is a Notre Dame fan. Our children (and myself) learned at an early age to avoid any rooms containing televisions while the Irish are losing- I mean, playing.

    ;) rock on

  33. It sounds like she was just saying she was going to go shopping at Trader Joes but really going shopping at Wal-Mart.

    Cuz Wal-Mart might totally have extra heads.

  34. Oh, poor dear Anonymous. I really feel sorry for people who do not understand the wonder and joy of sarcasm.

    Others have said it, and I'll repeat it: get that kid interested in football! My parents were both obsessed with the sport, and we learned early to enjoy it. Or pretend to enjoy, anyway. I can still make the call before the ref turns on his microphone, and I haven't watched football since I stopped living with my parents. (That's been more than a couple of decades, by the way. LOL)

  35. Trolls are so damn fun. I had one recently who said I was "like a disgruntled, un-hip version of E! Tonight." And I was like, I *know* -- that's why people read my stuff.

  36. I don't know how anyone could possibly question your parenting skills when your wee daughter has wine on her grocery shopping list. Where else is she going to learn about Two Buck Chuck? I wish my mom had told me. *sigh*

  37. Best list ever. And truer words have probably never been spoken than "we like steak and doritos and tools."

  38. Some people get you,
    and some people don't

    I thought it was real, representative ...and cute.

  39. Bwahahahahahaha. That is epic. You will miss it when she doesn't want to....well maybe not.

    Now, off to eat some steak and doritos and play with my tools....uh yeah.

  40. I hope you were nice enough to give your wife a break later on. There's nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself, but you were a bit of an ass about it!!

  41. Clearly your wife screwed you. She's a woman after my own heart. I would have sicked Ari on Wil any day he wanted to watch something "important" on TV.

    That list is hilarious. I love that it appears to be written on multiple post its. What a creative child you have!

  42. That is hilarious!!! It would have been more awesome if there were a beer in that cart ;)

  43. i'm sorry, you're freaking hilarious. thank you.


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